Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Handicap Toilets

I really like to use the handicap stall because of all the room. Unfortunately the toilet is higher than a normal toilet. This puts the human body in the awkward position of having to crap while partially standing up (makes me think - I wonder if I can drop a turd while standing totally upright. What would happen to it? Would it simply smear through my ass crack and slide down my leg or would it maintain a trajectory and miss my legs all together?)

Although debate on the physics of shitting is certainly high on my list of conversation topics what I often wonder is how I would handle a cripple coming to use the supersize stall while I'm in it. I suppose some people don't care and can just walk out, swinging both arms, clicking their heels and snapping their fingers, using all their appendages the way they were meant to work and breeze right past the man in the chair who has now pissed himself because he couldn't get into the special stall.

That's not me. I'd have to fake a disability. But what to fake? If it's winter you can easily hide an arm in your jacket and let the sleave flop noticeably as you emerge from the executive toilet of public restrooms. But you can't always rely on the arm-in-the-shirt gag.

I've decided that when the time comes, and it will, I'm going to limp my sorry ass out of that stall. I'm not talking about a "I hurt my knee" limp. I mean the kind where it looks like your right foot keeps stepping in a 12" deep hole. The kind where you keep your elbows pinned to your sides and your forearms level with the ground, your hands flopping around wildly with each pained step. A body so contorted that I can't even wash my hands. Maybe I'll ask Mr. Chair if he'll help me wipe my ass, just to add to the ruse. Sucker.